Wednesday, December 1, 2010

tornados, finals, coffee, and fear

i am usually the girl who dad has to pull off the front porch or restrain from running into the streets when hail, tornados, snow, or any other type of storm comes. however, i have never been so terrified before. i wanted nothing more than to crawl deep under the covers and for the lightening and thunder to stop crashing outside my window. the weather got so bad that my roommates woke me up in the middle of the night and dragged me to the lower level of our apartment complex. immediately i started crying and morgan says, go put clothes on we have to leave our apartment there's a tornado. i was cold, alone, and so afraid. luckily, like every storm, the sun rises again.
maybe this is a physical metaphor for my life. though my emotions are the biggest thunderstorm i've ever undergone: high-strung, angry, alone, afraid, and never before so uneasy, i know that God will cease the rain and bring about sun in His time, and not my own time. i'm trying to be content with Him, but i can't help but wallow in my tortorous anger.

class ended today. i don't know what to do with my time. i am lonely. i am bored. i hate school. for the first time in my whole entire life, i think i can honestly say that i despise school for sundry reasons.
one: my 4.0 is GONE, GONE, GONE :'(
two: it takes up so much time
three: relationships suffer because of school.
four: my spiritual growth has been put on the back burner becuase i so desparately wanted perfection
five: the list goes on.....
i am so entirely glad that finally am done. finals start for me on friday and my last one is on tuesday. when tuesday at noon rolls around, i really don't know how i will handle freedom. in a sense, it is terrifying that is why i am immediately leaving starkville and heading to my friend's house. is this me running away or running to? (hmmm, the theme of my life lately is fear i need to change but i don't know how) i don't want to be not busy, yet i crave the ability to relax. i love busy.

i have several books i need/want to read to further my understanding of friend-friend/boy-girl/me-God relationships, God's purpose for my life, and to seriously better understand myself.
1. Captivating-Gift from Brent
2. Redeeming Love-Gift from Loren
3. Blue Like Jazz-I bought it
4. Case for Faith-Gift from Grandma
5. Case for Christ-Gift from Grandma

i like to do 1000-piece puzzles and paint canvases so i guess i will fill my time with that sorta stuff. im looking forward to Chrsitmas break, but also dreading it more than anything.

i need to lay off the coffee. it is increasing my moodiness, my ADD, my bipolarity. coffee used to really make me happy, get my excited, increase my excitement for life. i guess that is what drugs do to you. i need to stop, caffeine is bad and i should never have started drinking as much as i do.

just getting by,

p.s. i no longer have a facebook

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