Today I had a meeting with Ms. Helen Thomas. For those of you who are not privileged to know/ have met her, she is only what I hope to become when I reach her age. She is my mentor, my spiritual guide as I try to find my place in this messed up world, she is my friend who I know I can trust with any word. She has been such an encouragement when things aren't just going smoothly, but most importantly, she has been there when I struggle to believe tomorrow will come. I wish I could bottle her wisdom and advice and take it like medicine when I am emotionally ill. When the sickness of sin numbs my body.
I am tired of living to satisfy myself. I can't satisfy myself no matter how hard I try. How do I expect to build up a potential mate if I am constantly sulking in my self-pity, self-loathing, and self-absorbency if I can't even realize that there is a Lover who sees me as beautiful, who sees me a Pure, who sees me as His, who sees me for who I really am yet still wants to hold my hand?
When everything goes wrong, why do we, as humans, push everyone who truly cares away? Is is a self-protection mechanism? Personally, I think it is a selfish. There, I admitted it. I know that I am innately selfish and only care about myself. Praise God that He loves me anyway. I am truly working on not being a selfish monster. Pushing those away who love you only produces misery and loneliness. Though I know God is always there, I feel so broken a majority of the time. Is this how I grow? Is this how He calls me back to Him? Is this how He allows my faith to persevere? Is this how He shows Himself as the Magnificent One?
YES. Yes, I believe it is. Glory in the Highest. Glory to the Highest, to You, LORD.
My heart is in a state of limbo. It is torn three ways between:
1. the love of a man
2. the love of this world and all it has to offer which I know will pass away all to quickly (yet, still I am enamored)
3. and the love of my Savior which will endure for all time (yet, I all too quickly push Him out of my life first)
What is a girl to do?
I know I need to focus on the One who ultimately loves me for me despite my infinite imperfections and countless falls. Yeah, I know He loves me. Just like I know my mom loves me. But here is the hardest part, I think, in the relationship. Accepting His love. Accepting His love is the HARDEST, absolutely HARDEST concept for me to grasp.
WHAT IN THIS WORLD IS FREE?
well, for starters, God's Love.
And I don't understand it, but I am all too thankful for it and blessed because of His passion for my soul. He wants me.
in Genesis 3:9, God asks Adam and Eve: "Where are you?" Though He knew where they were, He desired them to want a relationship with Him. He wanted them to communicate with Him. He wanted THEM, even though they had fallen into sin and tried to hide it from Him. God wants me, even though I have hurt so many people, even though I have let Him down, even though I have acted unChrist-like, even though I fell away, He wants me back. Praise God, what human would ever consider giving out that many chances to others? God's chances are like grains of sand, and I pray I never have to walk back on the beach. I want this to be the last chance God has to give me, however, because of my innate sinful desires, I know I will continue to let Him down.
I must focus on praising His name, attempt to understand His love for me, I must love others in the way that He loves me, I must be forgiving as He forgives me.
Oh, this is so much easier to say than to actually do. But if everything was easy, it wouldn't be special.
Here I am Lord, please, just hold my hand again,
R.
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