struggles to look forward

listening to: colbie caillat's "hold on" and "out of my mind" (again, this should come as no surprise)

i am back in indiana, finally. i miss colorado and all the people who are still there, but there is one thing for certain: i am so thrilled to be at sea level and to have flat as far as i can see. i am so thankful to have gotten the opportunity to serve at Sky Corral in CO this summer and train there while serving others. i learned so much about myself and about other people, also learned how much i have left to learn. being at Sky Corral almost seemed like a long dream in which i just woke up from; it lasted too long yet not long enough.

the drive back was just okay. i spent the night with my friend kristen who lives in colorado springs and then left early july 29th at 5:00am. this i thought was going to be the best idea ever, but proved to not be. there was way too much alone time, way too much time to think about decisions, people, life, love, pursuit of happiness, and God. with every little thing, i have some sort of attachment to whether it be a sign/billboard or a place on the side of the road or a city or a song. so it was tough, but around lunch time it started to get better, more smooth. guess i finally woke up and started singing louder and talking to people on the phone. i stopped in lawrence, KS at KU to run. it was 3pm at this time. this might have possibly been the worst idea i have ever had. it was 97 degrees and humid. the sun raped my skin and lungs. i was supposed to run 10 miles, but made it 5. i felt like a winner, let me tell ya. i met my parents in st. louis that night and then went to the zoo and to the cardinals game that next day. oh and i also got a chance to run an easy run with my dad, that was fun. we just ran around st. louis near the arch and river. the cardinals game had a 2 hour rain delay, we left around the 5th inning, and did not get home until 5am in the morning.

i am exhausted. i am sick. i am not hungry. i just want to curl up in a ball and lay in bed.

i have a 5-mile tempo tonight. i'm debating whether to keep it tonight, or move it to tomorrow morning. i am going to go downtown indy to do it, so it will be nice to have completely flat and the best city in the world all around me.

i said 'good luck' and 'good job' and 'i am proud of you', but you'll never know.

i'm following your race online. i am praying ever so hard for you. i know how hard this is going to be, and it is truly a feat.

you're biking right now, and i hope all those hours in front of the tv watching movie after movie paid off. i pray that you keep your stamina through the biking portion and that you lose no focus as you transition into running the marathon. i pray that you lost no mental strength as you hopped out of that cold water and that you felt strong as you took the plunge.

you never stopped being my hero, you ironman.

it's 3:31 EST and i still don't have my contacts in,

rae rae