Wednesday, January 13, 2010

a really good cry and a really bad attitude and a really bad knee

so here i am sitting in the locker room miserable as miserable can get.

i thought everything was getting better, instead, i am back in the negative.

everything is going south. i have never cried so hard, not even over a boy. running is all i have ever known. it is gone. i can't help but be negative. the world is sucking me. i just want out. i jsut want to run, escape reality. i know not any other way, running has always been my outlet.

i was walking around campus today determined to stay in a positive light....and WHAM!!! for NO reason AT ALL my leg locks. it locks up. it is the worst pain in the world, if i had to imagine what child birth was like, this is infinitely worse. i am sure of it. it is so quick and so shooting and so ripping and so painful, i would rather have 48 stress fractures in one spot. seriously, i am ready to quit.

is that not the saddest thing i have ever sad in my life? i am ready to give up? who says that? me? no i am not a quitter but i can't help but say i am ready to give up and give in. and even as i type this i can't help but shed a river of tears. i can't stop. why is THIS happening to ME!? i didn't do ANYTHING. first it's my peroneal tendon, that is healed completely. now, why this? why now? i won't be running outdoor. there is just no way. no way, ever.

i am trying to see the light, but there is none. i am completely blind to this situation. i try to get happy. my roommates make me happy, loren bruce makes me soo very very happy, God is filling me up, brent just keeps me smiling, classes couldn't be better....but there is a huge hole still in my heart. running, there is just that one aspects of happiness that nothing but the joy of running could fulfill. why!? people i am not only in physical pain, my heart is just breaking. i have said it, i CANT do it. i don't wanna give up, but there seems like no other option. okay, i'll do nothing for about 2 more months, if it is not better by then, there is just no way.

i can't walk down stairs, i can't bend my knee, these doctors just tell me to take medicine, i miss indiana, i miss dr. kersey and i miss my PT mary kay.

i watched my running videos last night, talk about a mistake. i couldn't help it though. it is nice to know that i actually ran one time....i was actually good. i was actually happy, to the max. i could run, truely run without pain. idk why but maybe it's proof that i wasn't dreaming. oh but i have so many dreams, i was good enough to keep with it and try to get to the trials, and perhaps the olympics. dreams? maybe that's all they are anymore.

i hate having the feeling that i am the worst recruiting descision coach has ever made, i hate being "wasted talent," i hate letting my teammates down, i hate just not being happy, i hate not having an outlet, i hate having MY LIFE RIPPED AWAY FROM MEEE!!!

just make it stop, please make it stop, i am so exhausted. i want answers, i want to run.

i don't know if i should keep trying,


  1. i wish so badly there was something i could say or do to make you feel better. i want to be a good friend, but i dont know the words to say. you are such an amazing girl! im totally honest when i say that i wish we could trade places because you have such more talent than me. i was thinking about something tho: remember Gideon in our sunday school lesson? he could have defeated the other army with his many men, but God narrowed his men down to just 300 so that He could show His power and so that everyone would see Him and glorify Him and turn to Him. God could allow you to run...He could allow you to be a good runner by the time YOU put into it, by the work YOU do, by the strength YOU build, but then you would be the one receiving the glory. What if God is waiting to let you run again when it absolutely cannot be by your own strength. What if God allows you to start running and you do so well and the only answer is God and his strength since you have not been able to put in all the training. I have no idea what His plan is in all this. I wish I did, but that is one of the many awesome mysteries of God: His sovereignty, even when things don't make sense. I may be completely off on the analogy I made, but I know that somehow God is going to receive all the glory from this and I pray that He uses this to turn others to Himself. I love you so much and am always here for you!

  2. p.s. you are the best recruiting decision coach has ever made because if he had not recruited you, we would have never crossed paths :)

  3. I know exactly how you feel, and I definitely understand the wasted talent/recruit part too.