so here i am sitting in the locker room miserable as miserable can get.
i thought everything was getting better, instead, i am back in the negative.
everything is going south. i have never cried so hard, not even over a boy. running is all i have ever known. it is gone. i can't help but be negative. the world is sucking me. i just want out. i jsut want to run, escape reality. i know not any other way, running has always been my outlet.
i was walking around campus today determined to stay in a positive light....and WHAM!!! for NO reason AT ALL my leg locks. it locks up. it is the worst pain in the world, if i had to imagine what child birth was like, this is infinitely worse. i am sure of it. it is so quick and so shooting and so ripping and so painful, i would rather have 48 stress fractures in one spot. seriously, i am ready to quit.
is that not the saddest thing i have ever sad in my life? i am ready to give up? who says that? me? no i am not a quitter but i can't help but say i am ready to give up and give in. and even as i type this i can't help but shed a river of tears. i can't stop. why is THIS happening to ME!? i didn't do ANYTHING. first it's my peroneal tendon, that is healed completely. now, why this? why now? i won't be running outdoor. there is just no way. no way, ever.
i am trying to see the light, but there is none. i am completely blind to this situation. i try to get happy. my roommates make me happy, loren bruce makes me soo very very happy, God is filling me up, brent just keeps me smiling, classes couldn't be better....but there is a huge hole still in my heart. running, there is just that one aspects of happiness that nothing but the joy of running could fulfill. why!? people i am not only in physical pain, my heart is just breaking. i have said it, i CANT do it. i don't wanna give up, but there seems like no other option. okay, i'll do nothing for about 2 more months, if it is not better by then, there is just no way.
i can't walk down stairs, i can't bend my knee, these doctors just tell me to take medicine, i miss indiana, i miss dr. kersey and i miss my PT mary kay.
i watched my running videos last night, talk about a mistake. i couldn't help it though. it is nice to know that i actually ran one time....i was actually good. i was actually happy, to the max. i could run, truely run without pain. idk why but maybe it's proof that i wasn't dreaming. oh but i have so many dreams, i was good enough to keep with it and try to get to the trials, and perhaps the olympics. dreams? maybe that's all they are anymore.
i hate having the feeling that i am the worst recruiting descision coach has ever made, i hate being "wasted talent," i hate letting my teammates down, i hate just not being happy, i hate not having an outlet, i hate having MY LIFE RIPPED AWAY FROM MEEE!!!
just make it stop, please make it stop, i am so exhausted. i want answers, i want to run.
i don't know if i should keep trying,