Monday, June 13, 2011

well maybe that's the point, to reach the point of giving up

peaceful moments at the refuge
enlightenment:  people will continue to let you down and you will always be selfish

i was listening to matthew west's song strong enough and this "enlightenment" per say so dawned on me, not that it was the first time i had even though of this "thing" "thought" "ah-ha moment" but it hit me hard like a gust of wind blazing 60 down a back country road.

fact one: people will continue to let you down

this is true.  no matter how much trust you put in someone, a point will come when they will fall from that pedestal you placed them up on, or forgive me, you will fall from the highest spot in which you let other people place you.  regardless, you or someone else was in a position you never were meant to be.  we are strong individuals, up to a point.  there are cases where i don't think we give ourselves enough credit and then again, i believe there are points in which we take too much credit for occurrences that happened out side of our control.  people will continue to let you down.  when they let you down, you feel alone and abandoned and hurt beyond any place you though you could have been.  nonetheless, you have to pick yourself up and move on.  i have found that putting your trust in people is all to often the easy way out....and placing your trust in God is one of the hardest admittances that an individual could do. we give ourselves too much credit to do things on our own.  however, placing your trust and hope in God is secure.
God will never let you down.
God will not break his plans with you.
God will not hurt you.
God will not end His relationship with you just because you are bored.
God doesn't take back His words.
God does not say hurtful things that make you want to cry.
God does not care whether you come in first or last place.
God loves you, and i don't think we can really experience love (friendship or romantic) in the way that God intended until we finally start to understand God's love for us.  (not that we would EVER be able to fully comprehend His infinite love)

fact two: you will always be selfish

this is true.  we are born selfish.  i will speak from experience.  i am one of the most selfish people i know.  i would like to change this quality, but when i really think about it, i really don't want to change it.  i mean, i know it would be bad to introduce myself like-so "hi, i'm renee and i am the most selfish person ever created.....etc etc etc"  but we are selfish.  i want to spend so much time by myself. i want to spend so much time with selected individuals. i want to win every race i've ever entered. i get jealous of other people's success and their accomplishments.  i don't extend a helping hand unless it's do or die. i don't offer assistance to anyone unless it somehow could give me some sort of personal gain.  hi, i'm renee and i am the most selfish person ever created.
this is what bugs me is i know about my ugly quality and yet i am actively doing nothing, absolutely nothing about it.  sure i address it every morning when i look into the mirror and sure enough i am 15 hours later going to bed with nothing resolved.

ok, now that i have let you into my personal little bubble let me tell you what i see around me.  i see the ugly qualities in the world that i see in myself.  i am sure there are beautiful qualities in others that i am partially immune to seeing because i am blind by my selfishness or blind by my jealously in longing to have more desirable qualities.
we are selfish, and we should change. i listen to matthew west's you are everything and am humbled.  God is "everything and yet we put ourselves at the elevated position of "everything."  we should focus on putting our hope in God and by doing that we change the negatives into positives and with that our old self makes shifts and sloughs away.

well maybe, maybe that's the reach the point of giving up. 

don't give up. i won't give up.  God won't give up.

i guess i've just been dealing with some personal issues lately yet by my infectious smile and echoing laugh you would never be able to see the mess my inside is in.
my boyfriend said to me, "why do you think we can't understand why people love us so much?" i said, "probably because we don't even know how much God loves us or we at least fail to recognize it."

i have feeling insecure about my body image.  i have good days and bad days.  most of my days are perfect, i never think about it but i beat myself up if i have a bad day or if i feel like i eat more than i should.  thankfully i have not given into the pressures of purging in a few months. i want that part of my life to be in the past, for good.

old friends come back into my life and i don't know how to respond.

i know i have baggage from my past and i feel inadequate and unworthy for anyone else.  when i think i let it go, i still haven't.

running is going well but i am still selfish and want things to just happen without putting in the work.

have you ever pondered on the pain a caterpillar must undergo in order to become a butterfly?

i am still in my cocoon and have been for quite some time.  i will one day emerge into a beautiful butterfly.

1 comment:

  1. I think it's beautiful how self aware you are.
    And no, you are not the most selfish person on the planet. That may very well be me :P
    I love you so much, and I'm really proud of you and all that you have become.
    Be kind to yourself. You're worth it.