Thursday, July 15, 2010

when push comes to shove

a. i took 3 days off last week becuase there is a bone in my foot that bruised during an 11-mile run. it was really worrying me, but i knew that beucase it was only july i could afford taking a few days off now instead of risking my whole season.
b. i destroyed my 5x5 fartlek in 97 degree weather at 7800 ft. not easy, but i got through it and found the motivation from within.
c. emotionally i am drained, mentally i am shot, physically i could run back to indiana without looking back, spiritually i couldn't be closer to God (i guess that is what happens when you become so completely broken having no where else to turn, thankful i so am though i hate the process of this journey)
d. i am back to writing.
e. i have 8 miles tomorrow.
f. isiah 43:2
g. there is no greater feeling than an hour ice bath in the poudre river while tubing and cliff diving
h. i miss loren more than words can describe.
i. i'm starting to go mentally insane. i've never cried so much about stupid things. i've never been so haunted by the past. i've never felt so alone yet so surrounded by friends. i've never been in situaions i find myself in. i've never struggled to breathe as much as i am now. i've never lost like i have this summer. i've never missed my family so much. i've never wrestled in prayer as much as i am. i've never wanted to hug God so much in my life. i've never in my life sat and just listened to God until now, i was always complaining or asking something of him. i've never realized how emotioanlly attached you can be to even just a friend. i've never listened to the song everything by lifehouse 17 times in on sitting until yesterday. i never thought gossip/hearsay would effect me in college, that was high school and i thought i had gotten away from those people. i never in my life wanted to sit on a rock over a resevior and watch the sunset completley alone until now. i just want to go be free from this stupid life sometimes.

i just wish life, family, friends, running, and understanding God wasn't so difficult.

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