Tuesday, December 15, 2009

selfish little human i am

this is me being selfish, and i know it. this is me writing to complain, writing to express ever-growing conflict that resides deep within my heart and pulls at my mind.

everywhere i go, it doesn't matter in this town, everywhere i go i have run done that road, and this road, and that road over there. as i sit in the backseat as my parents chauffeur me around this Arctic prison, i can't help but notice the footprints left just months previous. there are my footprints, there they are! but they are fading, quickly. just like my body.

unable to cross-train now for 2 weeks, i feel fat, ugly, and unworthy of calling myself a runner, a champion, let alone...an athlete.

i tell myself not to worry, everything will be taken care of in God's time, everything will work itself out and place me on the narrow path leading to a successful future. yes, i try to convinience myself, i do honestly try to believe.
me, selfish little human, i can not see beyond my big toe as i sit here and type this depressing rant.

every time i pass the track, i pass the park, i pass the course; memories flood. is that all they'll ever be? memories in which i can return but never relive? never live in them? never see what else is in store? turn the page to my anti-climactic storybook life?

i'm not sure. all i am sure of now is my current state which is an over abundance of stupidity and selfishness. my body is falling apart, my i.t. band is about to snap. though i try to run/prance-up-and-down-the-stairs-to-imitate-running/shuffle0like-a-penguin yog, continually. what an idiot. okay, i have stopped running, now its been since September 8th since i have run without a lick of pain.

what do i want?

what do i need?

i'll tell you what i want. i want peace of mind, though im not sure if i need it. maybe i'm supposed to be a scatter-brained, worry-wort. i want to run, i want to feel good, i want to feel skinny/muscular, i want to be important, i want to have my running brigade back, my family. i want to have a sense of unity, a sense of belonging. without running...well, i have never known such a life in that sense.

well, this was my selfish and depressing rag that i needed to get out because i feel so empty, broken, and useless, almost purposeless. not a good feeling.

i'll be okay i just needed to spill my emotions,

1 comment:

  1. i wish so badly i could give you a big hug right now and heal your leg. i wish i could make everything better or at least do something to help. i hate that you have had to go through so much this year. i know you already know this and youve heard it a thousand times, but God has something so awesome in store, even if you cant see it until years down the road. i know he has already used you as an example to others during this time, myself included. i love you so much and will just keep praying!